The Grand Daddy (or crusty Grandma) of them all is ANTIQUE ROADSHOW. Other than a few bumps in the road with some questionable (and later indicted) experts, A.R. truly set the bar of quality vintage reality programming. In its 20+ year history there were bound to be some less than accurate moments, but overall it is the gold standard to be beat. And certainly Chubb Insurance has a way fatter because of it.
By all appearances PBS’s latest endeavor MARKET WARRIORS is a worthy spin-off. Though more character driven the show still strives to present an accurate snapshot of the antique business… even given its game show component. Much like the British hit BARGAIN HUNT, M.W. strikes a good balance between expert and shopper while still reflecting the bottom line interest: Value. It’s fascinating to see the range in prices between the various locales in which the show is shot… higher prices on the coasts, etc… the Midwest being a bargain hunter's dream.
In this vintage vein PAWN STARS also hits the mark. Showcasing an established resale icon in Las Vegas, the show demonstrates that delicate balance between buyer and seller. Though it sometimes feels that all the rarities of the planet somehow pass through their doors… (Spoiler alert: Next season, George Washington’s second set of false teeth)… P.S. is a draw not only to sellers anxious to find a buyer (and get on TV), but to viewers as well. Character-driven personalities range from antique expert/store co-owner Rick Harrison to Chumlee, a persona found at a John Waters’ casting call. The show is an addiction as item/story after item/story move through the store/show with the predictability of the sun following the moon. Only provenance and price bickering break the cycle, but those are often the best moments of the show.
Recently however Reality Television has gone on a junk food diet of vintage gluttony. Hit or miss, truth or dare, real or fake, false or falsies… the latest offerings are too numerous to mention, but let’s review just for fun:
AMERICAN PICKERS. This is love or hate on a Kim Kardashian level—and the A.P. stars didn’t even have to make a porno tape… just an audition tape… which has spun off into great success. Personally I’ve seen enough barns of rusted signage to last me a tetanus shot or three, but perhaps America needs to get this out of their bloodstream. My favorite part of the show is the all-too-often repeated scene of the picker-husbands blaming their overly tattooed wives for sending them on a bad house call. To me this stretches the credulity of reality. Just once I’d like to see an antique sad iron make a happy swipe at their all too sincere whining.
HOARDERS. Do viewers watch this tear jerker for its collectible angle? Yes, for that and the dirty diapers of the toilet-deprived stars. But the only thing better than a dozen teddy bears… are 500 teddy bears infested with lice, mice and a slice of reality. We all know of people like this… perhaps not as spectacularly afflicted… but this show could routinely be cast from your Facebook friends alone. Yes, it’s a disease and its all so sad and terrible… but we just happen to have a hoarding/collecting/social worker at hand… so we’re not exploiting them, right? We’re here to help… and we’ve brought boxes! Oh, did we mention the sister you hate is right outside this door with a shit-load of relative guilt to drop on you? Surprise!!! Now can we throw out those Beanie Babies?
STORAGE WARS, AUCTION HUNTERS, LOCKER BULLIES, etc. Perhaps you’ve also heard through the vintage grapevine (which has produced an excellent Merlo I must confess)… that some of these shows are less than, um, how do we say this… accurate? Honest? Legit? Let me put it this way: Do you remember the movie “Quiz Show?” I doubt there’ll ever be a Congressional investigation into shows such as this… who is being harmed here, right? However I understand that the hardcore fans of some of these shows actually watch BECAUSE they’re fixed— that spotting the errors/goofs/mistakes are all part of the fun. It’s like the old adage: “Behind the fake tinsel is the real tinsel“ Except we’re talking storage lockers. And they've been, um, fluffed…
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Now where is this all headed? I shudder to think… especially if resale shudders are involved. However to save future cable concept creators all the effort in thinking up a new idea or two (or four), let me save them the migraine headache and propose:
CLOSET CASES. Well known figures from both Republican & Democratic party compete in a “real life” cat fight as their collections (see fetishes) are “outed” in a thorough closet cleaning. Susie Orman hosts, shaming contestants on the wasteful spending in the resale value of latex, rubber, vinyl (not records, unless show tunes) and things that go bump with a nightstick. The winner is chosen by the (in)sincerity of their spouses that stand beside them… and by the faces that they make.
DON’T LOOK IN MY BASEMENT. As the title implies this show is not for the faint or heart, unless you’re Dick Cheney and you have all those spares. Contestants are chosen randomly by ambushing video crews who seek out truly mediocre yard sales. A rotating cast of ex-Project Runway contestants host… ridiculing the ever-descending taste levels of the basements at hand… or boot. Gloves sold separately.
CATASTROPHES IN THE ATTIC. The spin-off of “Basement”… ATTIC picks up where the stairs leave off… upstairs, that is, which badly need to be vacuumed. Surprising attic finds include: 1) An Armenian Juggling Troupe; 2) All the birds that ever appeared in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film of same name; 3) A two-headed cousin that you only heard about in annual Christmas letters. (“Donnie/Ronnie gets better every day… mostly.”) The Worst Attic is awarded their own personal tornado, which tears off the top floor with striking precision. As all reality shows are notoriously cheap, ATTIC is hosted by an adorable Cairn Terrier by the name of Toto. And trust me, contestants don’t want to come in #2 with Toto around.
I’LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR FOR IT! Cameras follow the daily antics of (perhaps) America’s cheapest man… Ivan Notkidding. Whether attending a trendy antique show, an upscale estate sale, a rural flea market or just barging into your home unannounced, Ivan’s standing offer for items of value is $1.00. Watch him attempt to buy a valuable Stickley desk for $1.00… and then be escorted out by security. See him try to score an original Eames Rocker (yes, for $1.00)… and watch the shocks fly when police arrive. Surprisingly “I’ll Give You A Dollar For It” becomes as ubiquitous a phrase as “Whatcha talkin’ about, Willis”… and just as unfunny. However on the rare occasion when a seller actually accepts Ivan’s $1.00 offer, he always pays in pennies. Highlights of the show routinely include Ivan getting the crap beat out of him… often by cane wielding AARP members… because they’re old, bitter and tired of people like Ivan.
By Danny Alias. Copyright 2012 WDMS
AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com
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