Junk food giant Hostess Brands announced earlier this year that it is headed for bankruptcy… or at least reorganization in a very large corporate mixing bowl.
How is it possible that the maker of some of America’s most iconic snacks cannot make a profit selling to the world’s fattest people?
Sure “Twinkies Light” weren't exactly a hit, but you didn’t see the New Coke people running for cover when the carbonation hit the fan. No, they rolled up their sleeves, blamed their advertising agency and rebranded Coca-Cola Classic like an unexcused burp.
“What New Coke? That never happened. Just like the Bush years.” To quote one official: “We weren’t there that day!”
Enter Mitt “the split” Romney and the magic that is Bain Capital. Finally, here it is: An opportunity to turn words into action, water into wine, PAC into man… or at least baked goods into something half-baked. Consider the mouth watering, money making opportunity at hand...
Romney/Bain takes over the struggling Hostess empire… an American institution so beloved it's Twinkies were once used as a successful murder defense. Can Doritos make such a claim? Maybe in Mexico, my Pinko friend, but not in the good old You S. of Eh...
What better way to prove to the voters that you are the real job creator— a true success story—than by acquiring Hostess Brands and showing us all what you do best. Batter up, Mitt!
First, Romney/Bain could suck out the cream filling of every newly made Twinkie, just like the economy. After all, the center is only taste and empty promises. Right wing out of the oven he’s cutting costs, waste and most of what makes life worth living.
Second-- all those bakers? One word: Elves! Replace all those high earning Union bakers with elves. Give those Keebler Commies a run for their fudge pot. Yes, non-union, low paid, loyal, slavish elves. If it’s good enough for Santa Klaus, it’s good enough for Romney/Bain Capital. In essence, they'd be doubling the work force by cutting everyone (literally) in half. Finally these are numbers which FOX News and the "L" slanted media can agree upon.
Third: Innovate. As has been speculated, the shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie can be well over 20 years... much like the common Speaker of the House Cat Many people are on their second wife and/or third family with the passing of this much time, but enough about Newt. We have bigger frogs to fry. No wonder Hostess went belly up and trailer wide.
No, Romney/Bain Twinkies will be bakery fresh for no more than 24 hours… taking on the fare at Dunkin’ Donuts or Krispy Kreme. This can be American competitions' finest hour, as that's how long lard digestion usually takes. The only thing that ever goes stale in this country is imagination.
Fourth: Retool. Think out of the box. Unsold Twinkies (now as hard as concrete and manufactured at half the price) can be used in lieu of bricks for new home construction. In fact, many of the banks can use the old Twinkie wrappers as loan documentation, as the ingredients and fine print are almost identical.
Now imagine thousands of gated communities all built with the new Romney/Bain Twinkies. Who knows where this future could lead? Perhaps fiber optic cables made of Twizzlers!
At a recent Texas evangelical convention the attendees were unable to agree upon a single candidate to endorse…. in lieu of Mitt Romney, of course. However, this all male bastion of public decency did agree on one saintly thing: Hostess Brands are the Devil’s Food. Which leads us to...
Fifth: Rebrand. Words like “Cupcake” and “Twinkies” make these guys very nervous. To them, Hostess is the Lolita of bakeries, putting unspeakably nasty “tween” thoughts into their very married heterosexual, but asexual heads. (See Michele Bachmann's hope chest.)
It’s that whole Brooke Shields/Pretty Baby wet dream nightmare all over again, isn't it? Now do you see why Hollywood must be abolished and replaced with a biblical theme park? And no, not Dolly Wood West.
But it gets worse, much worse. “Ho Hos?” “Sno Balls?” “Ding Dongs?” Must we even go there by definition? If such things need to be explained to you, please write Dan Savage. (Just don’t Google Santorum!)
“Ho Hos” & “Sno Balls" & “Ding Dongs”... Oh, My! All these are not only Hostess products, but sexual acts committed during the last Republican AND Democratic conventions. To this day, if you dial HOSTESS on your phone it takes you directly to an escort service that specializes in food fetishes. Madam Cake Boss, I believe.
Sixth. Why is there no Third Party in this country? Because most of our elected officials have simultaneously run out of both perversions and unhealthy snack options. No wonder we hate the French.
But can Mitt Romney turn America around... or as the odd saying goes... take it back? For his sake, I hope he kept his receipt. Perhaps more importantly: Can he turn on an oven… or just a SuperPAC?
This is one very old Twinkie who’d bet his bottom Ding Ding that he doesn’t have a Sno Ball’s chance in Suzy Q. But enough with the Zingers. Just vote!
AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com
Copyright WDMS 2012
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