Sunday, August 5, 2012

THE LITTLE ISLAND (1958) Film & Long Lost Self Interview with with Animator, Richard Williams

 By Danny Alias

While flipping through Vol. 1, First Issue of "The Journal of Frankenstein" (a photo-illustrated monster movie zine from 1959), I stumbled upon something, well, quite amazing.   Somehow amidst articles such as "The 7th Voyage of Sinbad," "The Return of the Son of the Bride of Frankenstein"... (Sorry, no returns; store credit only!)... and a preview of the soon-to-be-released "House on Haunted Hill"... a golden nugget appeared.

The following article is a long lost self-interview with Richard Williams himself.  The man behind the now classic "The Little Island" was obviously trying to drum up U.S. interest in his film in any way possible.  There is no other reason he'd be in a trash zine like this; it's a great trash zine, don't get me wrong.  But Richard Williams created art and his article is mixed in amongst the ghosts and zombies and cheesy special effects of below-B movies.  WTF?




As the article itself didn't scan clearly enough for my oft-blurry taste, I have recreated it here in it's entirety.   Only WDMS would bring this long forgotten article on what would later become a ground breaking film. 

But I digress.  Let's let Richard Williams interview himself.  Remember, he did this in 1959.

ANIMATION AND THE LITTLE ISLAND by Richard Williams

(Foreword:  25 year old Canadian artist Richard Willilams worked with animation companies in America before coming to Britain four years ago.  His half-hour cartoon "The Little Island." which excited considerable praise at Brussels and Cannes, came first in the experimental section of the recent Documentary and Short Film Festival in Venice.  it is believed to be the longest animated production ever undertaken by one person).

Sitting down to talk seriously about animation at the same time as speaking subjectively about my own film "The Little Island" is going to be a bit confusing.

First, I am much too involved with my own work to be really objective about the medium.  And second, how can I, in 1,000 words or less, talk about "The Little Island," which took three years to make and doesn't have a single spoken word in it?

My own view is that, with few exceptions, the animated cartoon has always been used as a sort of comic-strip illustration.  The recent sophisticated cartoons are just the same-- only precious instead of vulgar.  Mind you, I enjoy these cartoons; but it would never enter my head to consider animation by these standards as a "serious" medium.

I mean, with a tradition of this kind it is very hard to stop thinking in terms of what has been done in the past-- and suddenly to see the artistically unexplored possibilities.  Instead of realizing that you can move any mark you make in any way that you want and put any sort of sound or music with it to get exactly the effect you need-- you tend immediately to think of sentimental Valentine card animals or pop-eyed horrors bashing each other to bits or clever-clever animated Steinberg illustrations with "Design-for-living" backdrops.

3 years in the making, "The Little Island"... "Tracing & Painting the Monsters."

I didn't make "The Little Island" in order to rebel against these conceptions.  On the contrary: the need of the film came by itself.  I was a painter, and had long given up any previous interest in animation.  But, for me, the ideas in "The Little Island" could only really be expressed as I wanted through the cartoon medium.  And in the course of working on the film the possibilities of the medium itself became so apparent that I couldn't understand why I hadn't seen them before.

"The Little Island" itself is a satire about three little men on a tiny island, each with his own fixed viewpoint.  One believes in Goodness, the next in Truth, and the third in Beauty.  They have great, involved fantasies of these ideals, and then start picking each other to pieces.  I tried in a comic way to describe the horror of the complete lack of understanding among the three characters.

It is a traditional cartoon film in many ways, since the idea demanded "cartoon" sort of treatment.  The difference, however, is that I tried to get the elements in it to move and live in their own way, and not just to illustrate in a literal fashion some or other story conception.  The music by Tristam Cary is never treated as just background music-- and in some cases it comes forward and leads the visual.  So that music and effects are clear-cut and have a meaning of their own: their function is complementary, not illustrative.

Certainly, for me, the most successful parts of "The Little Island" do this, while the parts I am least happy with drop back slightly in literalism.  And I feel that the cleaner-cut the elements in a drawn film the greater the possibility for carrying direct emotional power.

Now that "The Little Island" is finished, I want to work in different directions from "cartoon" animation.  I feel that animation is not, as is usually considered, a primarily funny medium.  I'm sure that when it is developed further it can be moving and satisfying.

The French critic Andre Martin says very nicely: "Animation is a great art which doesn't quite exist."

It is as if out of a whole field of possibilities, a couple of tiny furrows have been fantastically developed in craftsmanship, showmanship and technique, while the rest of the field has been almost completely neglected.

One thing we have really been given is a wealth of technical information.  Now all we have to do is to use it.  However, there are serious practical difficulties.  There is the enormous amount of donkey work, the need for elaborate equipment and the terrific expense of production (in most cases, greater than for live action).  And since the amount of work is so great, for anyone working alone or even in a small group, one is limited to fairly short films which at the moment are only "fillers" in cinema programs.

Oddly enough, I feel that indirectly television offers a great deal of hope.  Because of the terrific demand for TV animation (mostly advertising commercials), there are more cameras, rostrums and technical equipment available.  In my own case, I financed and housed "The Little Island" solely on my travels through various TV production studios.

So, ironically, one can work on bulb-nosed characters in black and white for television in order to work in one's own way for a large cinema screen with excellent color and sound facilities.

I think also that there will be a great development in animated film when the various artists and musicians working in it (usually by way of TV) stop considering it as an "applied art" and work seriously in it on its own terms, as a medium in its own right.

I hope personally that, aside from what I've tried to express in the film, "The Little Island" is a step in this direction."  

By Richard Williams

NOTE:  Talk about prescient.... Remember this film and self-interview was from 1959.  Consider how HUGE animation is in film; most of the highest box office films of our time have been animated.  And television?  From The Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy... to entire cable networks... it is clear that Richard Williams isn't just a pioneer or an animation psychic:  He saw the future and made it his.  

 In 1988, Richard Williams was the Animation Director of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit".  Wiki him... He is still working today.

Reprinted from "The Journal of Frankenstein", 1959.



AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

Jackie Beat Strikes Cult Status Via Vintage Vengeance

By Danny Alias

JACKIE BEAT:  "I really love the 1970's unicorn head mirror (see below) that I found at Goodwill -- Everyone who sees it wants to steal it!" 

An alumnus of Santa Monica's spinoff of Chicago's Second City, Jackie Beat is a parody singer, comic actor and playwright. She has appeared in such films as Wigstock, Flawless, Sex & The City and Adam & Steve.  Over the last few years Jackie has become the Queen of YouTube, with her music videos being viewed by the multiple millions.  She is, quite simply, a superstar-- and WDMS is thrilled to present the following interview with this compelling entertainer.

But how does one define a legend in the making?  She outsmarts and out sings Weird Al Yankovic with a voice as sharp as her wit.  As an actor she can steal a scene with a serial killer's glance or a jester's gesture.  As a playwright she can hold her own with Charles Ludlam or Charles Busch.  Just what CAN"T this beautiful bitch do?

In this exclusive interview for WDMS Jackie divulges her personal Vintage Passions for the very first time.  She has graciously pulled back the fake tinsel of L.A. to reveal the real tinsel behind.

Like David Mamet or Lenny Bruce, Jackie can weave the vulgar into poetry-- and poetry into big laughs.  With an artful ease she can turn double entendres into somersaults peppered with one liners.

She IS NOT a singing Don Rickles in a fabulous frock, though she can cut down a heckler like a seasoned Catskill pro. And she IS NOT just a drag diva lip syching to old records or having others write her material.

No.  JACKIE BEAT is perhaps one of the most original musical comedy creations working today.  Discover the underground cult phenomenon of our time... the spectacular, JACKIE BEAT.

(ADULT WARNING: If you've never experienced JACKIE BEAT, buckle up-- You're in for one bumpy & darn funny sight, especially in this Peggy Lee send-up.  If you're easily offended, we're not sure what you're doing on this blog.  However with this warning aside, we KNOW you still HAVE to WATCH this!)

DANNY ALIAS: When did you first realize you were funny? 

JACKIE BEAT:  When I was a little kid my mom was depressed.  This was long before people spoke of such things and way before they had commercials for anti-depressants on TV every five minutes.  I guess I kind of felt like it was my job to make my mom smile -- and if I could make her laugh it was like hitting the jackpot!

DANNY ALIAS: So much of your art seems to be absorbing the media and then throwing it back in everyone’s face in a most hilarious way.   Has this always been your comic “voice” or did you evolve into this persona over time?

JACKIE BEAT: I think it's important to kick the pedestal out from beneath icons.  And these days, with people like Lady Gaga, someone has to stand up and scream, "The emperor has no clothes!"

DANNY ALIAS: Your send-up of “Whatever Happened to Busty Jane” was comic genius, right down to the smallest sight-gag.  What was your motivation to create such an off-beat homage?

JACKIE BEAT: I was trying to think of a show that every gay guy would go see.  And then it hit me that "Whatever Happened To Baby Jane" plus gay porn would be something no homosexual could possible pass up!

DANNY ALIAS: What is your most coveted Vintage item?

JACKIE BEAT: I love them all, but honestly, I could live without any or all of them.  The items add beauty to my life, but I try not to get too attached to things.  Having said that, I really love this faux amber sculpture that I found of an ancient Greek man's head.  I lit it from behind and it's just stunning!  I also really love the 1970's unicorn head mirror I found at Goodwill -- everyone who sees it wants to steal it!

DANNY ALIAS: How has Vintage affected your life both on and off the stage?

JACKIE BEAT: I love vintage clothing -- male AND female -- and I just generally prefer things with a past.  Would you rather eat lunch with a 4 year old kid or some forty-something who has been around the block and has some hilarious, wonderful stories to tell?  And they just don;t make things like they used to.  It's a question of style and quality.  I love doing parodies of old songs, too.  First of all, the originals are so well-written that it makes for a much better parody.  And second, I love the mix of an old-fashioned classic tune with horrible, filthy lyrics.  When worlds collide!

DANNY ALIAS: What’s your favorite Ladies’ accessory?

JACKIE BEAT: I love sunglasses!  I have quite the collection of them.  I like to walk out in stage wearing sunglasses and apologize that I didn't have time to do my eye makeup.  Then I take the glasses off to reveal my world-famous, award-winning eyes!

DANNY ALIAS: You recently wrote on “Jackiebeat.blogspot.com” of your Top 10 Female Movie Fashions of all Time!   If you could steal-- (sorry)-- be given just one outfit from one of these classic films, what would it be?

JACKIE BEAT: I really do adore that dress that Celeste Holm wore in "All About Eve!"  Like I said in my blog, I imagine it to be this oriental blood orange color.  It would be the perfect outfit for me to wear while lounging in my living room!

DANNY ALIAS: Is there any celebrity you’ve met that left you tongue tied?  Or that you wanted to tie tongues with?

JACKIE BEAT: Andrea Martin, the comedian best known for SCTV got me all tongue-tied, but she immediately put me at ease.  She's a total sweetheart.  Sandra Bernhard is the reason I am a performer -- yes, blame HER! -- and although I have worked with her several times and she is always friendly, I always get nervous around her because she is such a fearless genius.

DANNY ALIAS: You are infamous for your cover songs:  What type of comments have you received from the artists whose songs you’ve parodied?

JACKIE BEAT:  I have gotten many death threats from Lady Gaga and Britney Spears fans.  I guess they are humorless morons, go figure.  I have heard that Katie Perry really loved "I Kissed A Squirrel!"

DANNY ALIAS: What Jackie Beat projects are in the works? 

JACKIE BEAT: I will be performing in Provincetown this Summer!

GO, JACKIE, GO!



AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

Screw the Mayans! Devil Devises Special "Grace in Hell" for End Times Preacher

By Danny Alias


(Photo:  BEELEZABUB a/k/a THE DEVIL at a FAUST-MEPHISTO Faux Drag Ball He'd Rather Not Tell The Wife About)

"It's a slap in the face to the future's false history" quipped THE DEVIL. "2012? Ha!"

He'd been trumped.

The often publicity shy BEELEZABUB a/k/a THE DEVIL issued this stinging rebuke to "End Times" preachers throughout the world.

Taking a break from his wide ranging daily activities of evil-doing, from fatal diseases and horrific disasters... to making certain that you lose your cell phone... this Famous Fallen Angel is damn efficient.

So it was surprising to see a string of Tweets, Posts & Etsy listings decrying the fraud that has befallen the gullible public.

Of note was his cryptic comment: "I am so sick of these Amateur Fortune Tellers: I could spit enough fire & brimstone-- the Rivers of Mylanta & Pepto-Bismol would run dry."

When told that these drugs were readily available in packaged containers, that there were never "rivers" of either, THE DEVIL changed the subject in his own rant.  (Note: He's slated for next season's "Celebrity Apprentice: Special Victims Unit".)

Still it was unprecedented for a such an underworldly figure to come out against the wacko preachers who've hustled the poor of their cash, cheated the sick from their health and filled local TV with some really annoying programming.  OK, now I get the end of days. Endless identical programming on every device.  Hell.

Clearly the work of THE DEVIL, no?

Well. No. It is what he does for a living-- and the dead. And yes, messing everything up is his true gift.  At best you can say he's professionally horrible.

But this time it was a sub-human being, one of our own No-Televangelists who outfoxed THE DEVIL himself.

Now have you seen THE EXORCIST?  Linda Blair's career didn't survive, so why ever would yours?  Trust me: You don't want to get on THE DEVIL's bad side-- especially on a Wednesday for some reason.

"It's rare to find someone worse than myself" said the THE DEVIL with a cigar in one hand and a worn copy of "Pumping Iron" in the other.

"But these prophets for profit?  I mean, have you ever seen me predict the end of the world?  Only a schmuck says something that stupid!"

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

Art Deco Slaves Invade IML: Costume, Culture & Couture, Butt No Ann Coulter

By Danny Alias

(STOP LOOKING FOR THE NAUGHTY BITS.  BLUF'S "Double-Take" POSTER. PHOTO & DESIGN BY RANDY. COURTESY OF BLUF)

Over the Memorial Day weekend Chicago hosted another infamous International Mr. Leather (IML) Expo.  For those of you in the know, this may be a yawner, but for others this may be the moment to ponder why we so love Fashion!

Taking over the entire Hyatt Regency on Wacker (all 4,500 rooms!), this event sold out early.  The hotel hosted an enormous leather trade show (like the auto show, lotsa free ephemera, except way naughtier), with erotic novelties, kinky innovations and booths that defined "fetish" with a capital "F".  (Second "F's" sold separately).

Major events also included an IML Victory Party at the House of Blues, a "Black & Blue Ball" at Excalibur Nightclub (formerly the Chicago Historical Society) as well as the Mr. Leather Contest held in the Grand Ballroom  Wildly popular niche functions such as a Bootblack Reception, BLUF (breeches, leather, uniforms), Gear Blast (not auto, but sportsgear, lycra-- More fashion!)... a Woof Camp (for pups, dogs & handlers, not ASPA-related.

I've heard of no such groups for similarly festishized cats.

Did I forget to mention Rubbermen? Talk about wash & wearable!

IML has morphed into the largest event of it's kind.  Thousands attended from all leathery parts of the world, with the English, French & Germans leading the way.  Finally, something these enemies can now agree on.

Yes, this seemingly fringe fashion fraction has grown into one insatiable cultural top man.

Now why, you may ask is this relevant?  Quite simply, 21st century America did not invent sex.  If it did, the Teabaggers would have chosen a less conspicuous name in their particularly political game of dodge ball.

Leather has had numerous fashion comebacks over the years, so it's no surprise that it's back in a very black (the color) way.

"Dressing up" be it for a naughty 1920's party or a post millennium leather romp-- gives one the chance to walk in another man's (or woman's) shoes... or pumps... or high waisted boots.   If someone else wants to lick said footwear, who are we to judge?   One man's trash in another man's trashy. 

As we all well know from the Vintage Biz, turning trash into a treasured memory is not that far a salad to toss.

Let me head off the angry responses if I may, as I hear a great rumbling in my distant box of email regrets:

"A costume party" says the voice of traditional wisdom "is not a lifestyle.  It's Halloween."

Go with me here: I promise not to let you step into anything as distasteful as a credit default swap.

TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 1929....

Think back to the times in your life when you dressed up as someone (or something) else.  Maybe as part of a fantasy scene with a long gone "ex"-- or for the Generation "Y" Me, a Zombie Crawl.  (Have you been to Chicago's Andersonville yearly Zombie Crawl?  You'll never look at spaghetti and/or red sauce the same way again.)

Costume, Culture & Couture are the antithesis of the dreaded "C" word.. and I don't mean Ann Coulter.

To explore yourself, discover yourself-- heck, perhaps define yourself--  is what life is all about.  If you don't know, then who the hell are you?

How you show yourself to the world is what the world sees.  So whether you're dressed up for a night on what's left of the town or partying like a Vegetarian Zombie on beer bong bar night, you've got your DRAG on.

Come on: Vegan Zombies?  You can do better than that.

Drag is not cross-dressing unless you're trying to get booked on more than one of RuPaul's oh-so-many-cable shows.  No, what you're wearing right now is drag.   Boy George may have echoed the sentiment, but Oscar Wilde actually lived it... and 100 years earlier.

Leaning even further to the LEFT (hold on tight), Drag... be it Leather Drag, Tupperware Lady Drag, Woodless Log Cabin Republican Drag... that is a Lifestyle choice.

Leaning to the right: Having your hair done is a Lifestyle choice.  Especially if florescent coloring, an overly creative perm or some new Belgravia Cosmetology break through is involved.

How you feel after that hairdo-or-don't of a moment... that is the transformation.  If you like your new look, your new/vintage 40's Cocktail Dress with the tailored collar, you discovered a part of you.  You like yourself.  Almost Sally Field kind-a-way, but not quite.  How can this be bad.. except for the Flying None.

I will submit that it is a large leap from re-inventing one's everyday self via Couture, Vintage or otherwise affordable... to participating in IML.  Some attend such events to join in the carnival of carnality.  Some go to shop.  Some go to see; others, be seen.

Whether exhibitionist or voyeur, the only thing different is the view.

Taking sex out of the equation, you could just as well be mauling the Magnificent Mile, attending your dead-beat brother's wedding to his third wife, or hitting up the latest Mario Batali restaurant.

There you are:  All dressed up and some place to go.

So you better get your Drag Ass out there. The vintage clock is ticking... and it was new when you bought it.

Find your inner-outer-Oprah-Harpo-Marx-Lennon/John-Better U... And Quick!

Remember: You have people to disappoint!






SCARCE SEASIDE ARCADE PROP NOVELTY PHOTO, CIRCA 40's


AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
wwwWhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

When Really Bad Art Goes Good, Don't Be Naive...

By Danny Alias

What can be deemed worse?  The Spector of Phil Spector above your mantel... or Phil Spector himself? 

Is everything better in Black Velvet?  Black Light?  Black Panther TV Lamps?

Certainly the subject matter can influence one's like or dislike of such art in question. Technique aside, it's hard to turn blind when the beauty is in the oh-so-certain eye of the beholder. 

Of course there is good art; that is not what this article is about.  Good art is everywhere, as well as it should be.  Average art is everywhere, which is unfortunate.  Especially for those that have to insure and/or dust it.

But bad art, bad taste, as John Waters has so maniacally taught us over the years needs to be really, really bad.  Otherwise, it's truly worthless-- Monetarily, aesthetically void of value.  Average art shouldn't even bother getting up in the morning.  Seriously. If you're bad art, just call in sick-- Trust me, no one will miss you.

There is a motto in the antique business: "UGLY SELLS!"    Why?  Because mediocre doesn't.  Average doesn't impress.  Boring should be asked to leave the party.  And who invited him anyway?  He doesn't even bring along his date... Abstinence.  As if she'd ever put out something relevantly shocking.  Yawn. 

Kitsch is that cutting edge between cool and crap.  It's a fine, ever wiggling line, but it's there for the argument, dividing spouses and guests alike... and spending the night on your sofa... or in your bed if it finds someone particularly distasteful amongst your friends and/or frenemies.

CHARLES NELSON REILLY, 1931-2007. ACTOR, COMEDIAN, DIRECTOR

The lost art of the portraiture echoes these sentiments best (or worse).   The National Portrait Gallery in DC is a museum dedicated strictly to the portrait as art form... and save for a handful of later 20th century artist, Warhol, David LaChapelle, etc., it is as outdated as a tintype in our 21st century world of digital photography. Though actual film isn't completely dead, Kodak (and their ilk) pretty much fell in that openly developing grave of obsolescence.  Can you still find real film?  Yes.  Online.  But it has gone underground and is produced like it's an illegal substance of some sort. 

Why was portrait art replaced by the camera?   Just as yesteryear's Photobooths disappeared into the snapshot of lost Americana, so too did our patience.  We want our photo taken and we want it now.

"I can't hold my tongue out forever!" as Einstein once complained before returning to his quest for a Unified Theory of Time, Space & Chicago Parking Meter usage.

I know there are those of you who would argue these issues, but let me add another vintage point to this lost brushoff. 

I have been in 100's of homes over the years-- cleaning out houses, helping people sort through their possessions and those of their deceased relatives.   I have seen COUNTLESS painted portraits of the lifeless homeowners in question. 

In the 1950's and 1960's you had to have your portrait painted.  Like an edict from a priest, you did not question.  If the neighbor got his driveway paved, you had your driveway re-paved, whether it needed it or not.  In that same bulging vein, portrait painters found work from house to house; sometimes it was done at home; other times, you went for a sitting... or two.. or three.  Maybe just of you, looking like a dower insurance salesman... or the pretty lady of the house.  Maybe you and the family, a group portrait. "Make that dog sit still in Sally's lap before I slap her..."  Sally, not the dog. 

Yes, I have seen so many of these one stroke (victim) painted portraits, it's now become a blur to me: One big, boring, framed... blur.

The standouts?  There were only a few.  And guess what they all had in common?  You guessed it.  They had to be bad.  Really bad.  Scary bad.  The kind of paintings you would hang in the living room just to see the dog growl at it.  The kind where, you'd swear... you saw the eyes follow you about the room.  Paintings so bad, even the family didn't want it. 

"That thing always gave me the creeps!" one relative said to me.

"But isn't this your Aunt Sophie?  The one who raised you after your mother than off with the Orkin Man during that water bug infestation of 1967?"

"Happened all over Skokie" the woman spit back.  "Something about those crisp exterminator uniforms just drove women crazy.  Thankfully that didn't happen with the Roto-Rooter guys."

Story after story, it was all the same.  Boring, lame, sad, dull painted portraits of the past... tossed into the trash.  Now and then you'll find them thrifting, marked down.  Even resale doesn't want them... and when they do sell, it's for the wooden frame.

But the few, the scary, the disturbing... repeat after me... the UGLY, those are the one's cherished today.  They grace swank South Loop Towhomes, Logan Square Lofts, Ravenswood Bungalows, Lake Shore Drive Condos & Hyde Park Co-ops.  They are treasured by their adoptive owners like a beloved family pet that always misses the newspaper... just like your late Uncle Herb. 

But on a good night, very late into the darkness, they'll watch you cross the room in your faux bunny slippers like some dead & disfigured night watchman of the past, just happy to be re-hung.

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com
Copyright WDMS 2012

The Death of the Ghost (& Antique Dealer) Jacob Marley

By Danny Alias

At the end of 2010 the last antique store on New York’s infamous Bleecker Street closed.  There was a time when over 20 stores thrived in the heart of the Village.  On this four block stretch and adjacent streets, such as Christopher & Hudson,  passed a pirate’s treasure trove the likes of which the world had never before seen.

“So where are all the antique stores?”

This is a question asked with equal frequency in Chicago as well:

"What happened to Belmont's Antique Row?"  What happened to Halsted Street?"

Few wish to acknowledge this, but AIDS happened.  Just as it decimated the arts and theater community around the world,  some of the finest antique dealers and the best vintage stores were swept forever away. This first wave began in New York City in the early 1980’s, then it slowly began to erode some of the best vintage resources in America... the Gay antique dealer.

Somehow people forgot or did not want to recognize that behind their favorite antique store was a shopkeeper who was a Gay Man. Only when the doors were finally locked and small sign was posted in the window (maybe with a photo, maybe not) did a customer discover that someplace (and someone) quite wonderful had suddenly disappeared.  An era had ended.  The future stumbled.

In a few instances, a friend or relative stepped in to continue what was once a successful business.   But the magic wasn’t in the store; it was in the person who had the vision, the touch, the eye of an antique dealer.  Mostly, it was a simple man who liked to discover what was lost… and share it with his friends and customers… and try to make a living along the way.  Sometimes a good living, sometimes not.

The consensus of many was (and still is) that we are the caretakers of these objects passing through our hands.  It was a calling, a duty, perhaps even an obligation.  We always knew that these vintage objects would go on, that we'd help them along in their resale journey.  We just didn't know we'd be leaving their antique magic so quickly-- that we'd be gone so soon and they'd live on in the lives of thousands of collectors to follow.   Who knew we could be as fragile as the most perfect antique crystal or the rarest bakelite clip?

Jacob Marley knew all this and much, much more.  Actually Jacob Marley was an alias of Tom Neniskis,  an uber-talented young man from Chicago's near southwest side.  How clever he was to adopt the famous Charles Dickens name and create one of the most unusual antique stores the city had ever seen.  Jacob Marley, the ex-business partner and infamous ghost who returns to teach his many lessons about life and living.  In every depiction of this story, it is Jacob Marley who steals the show.  (Can you see where this is going?)

In his own gentlemanly way Tom re-invented the art of vintage merchandising like no one before him. The final Jacob Marley store (circa 1994) was on Clark Street next to the Wrigleyville Antique Mall, of which I was one of the owners.  I knew Tom fairly well, or at least well enough to enjoy a regular chuckle when customers came in and asked for Mr. Marley.  Tom would grin and say he wasn’t in the store at present, but he would gladly help them. And then the dazzle began.

Tom was an absolute magician of display.  Before he had a store he often sold at various outdoor antique markets in the distance 'burbs, setting up a giant tent with various European flags flying at each corner (and especially center) post.   You would enter a menagerie of objects, some under huge apothecary domes, others seemingly flying through the air.  Harvest tables would be transformed into elaborate displays that defied description.  He most assuredly had the greatest collection of early church artifacts, from silver chalices to shrines of vintage religiosity.   In fact, many of the Chicago stores that people now worship for their use of creative display are really sad copies of what Mr. Marley created in the 1970’s & 80’s.

Ask any antique veteran about Tom:  They will tell you that there was never anything like Jacob Marley before... or will be again.   Victorian bird cages filled with Bakelite crucifixes.   George Jensen sterling jewelry resting in half an ostrich egg.   A Normandy Cocktail Pitcher filled with fresh lillies.  (Tom was also an incredible florist.)   It was, quite simply, the most unusual antique store in Chicago. Celebrities stalked his wares; his clientele was 14kt Gold Coast and destinations from NY's Central Park West to Hollywood (California), not Avenue.

He sold the best of the best… to the best.  He would also take the time to educate the most inquisitive mind that didn't have a dime.  Money appears to not have meant much to Tom, and not because he had much; he had some inventory and the love of the rarity hunt.  But he bought well and donated much of his modest funds to Chicago's Gay Chorus, always knowing that Jacob Marley was in show business as much as they were.  Tom wanted everyone to enjoy life through antiques, history, flowers and music and in the beauty of others.

Tom produced The Latin School Show for many, many years, bringing together the very finest dealers he could find.  To be chosen to do his show was a huge feather in one’s cap… and I’m proud to say that Tom gave my business partner and I our very first break.  We had Tom’s blessings; we had arrived.  Many would agree that Tom's shows were considered the best antique venues ever created in Chicago.  Nothing before or since could match Tom's showmanship... and his ghostly motivator, Jacob Marley.

My final memory of Tom is this:  A customer came into my store one afternoon and told me they’d just been to Jacob Marley’s; that the door was open… that they’d walked around and seen many things they liked, but couldn’t find Mr. Marley. 

I excused myself and went looking.  I too went completely through the labyrinth of his shop, but no Tom.  Then I noticed, sitting in the very middle of the room, under an amazing Indian blanket, Mr. Marley (Tom) himself.  He was asleep and I must confess, looked very much like one of the incredible displays for which he was so famous.  The customer had mistaken him for a mannequin… and so almost had I.

Of course, I knew he hadn’t been well, as a number of dealers checked in on him from time to time.  I gently shook him awake and he opened his eyes and smiled.

“Oh, Danny,” he said,  “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be silly,” I said.  “I just wanted make sure you were OK, if you needed something.”

“Could you close the store for me?” he said, pulling the blanket back up to his chin.  “I’m cold.”

“Of course.”  I locked the door, turned up the heat, then came back to him.  I took his hand.

“You know,” he said, with a dimming twinkle in eyes, “I’m an old dinosaur.”

“Oh, no you’re not.  You’re amazing and you will always be amazing!”

“No, I’m an old dinosaur.” he insisted.  “I’ve done so many things, done so many shows.  I’ve had many shops.  I’ve done it all.   I’m done.  And now there’s nothing left to do.  And that’s OK.”   He pulled the blanket over his head and turned away.

I checked in on him the following day, but he was already hospitized.  A few days later Jacob Marle and Tom…  were gone.

Now the shiny new stores, be they on Bleecker or Halsted, are filled with $50 T-shirts and $4.00 cups of coffee.  But unseen in the air, just above the heads of a generation of beautiful men, are hundreds of Jacob Marley’s, tens of thousands of Toms.   They made the world better, happier, smarter, more beautiful than how they found it.   How few people can make that claim?

"So where are all the antique stores?" they ask.  Mostly they are gone, their owners transitioning beyond their own treasures.   Jacob Marley, The Brokerage, dozens more in Chicago, countless more in New York, LA and every city across the country.

But in millions of homes across these cities and around the world are those treasures they were first to unearth, living on beyond the discoverer’s find.   Today's Americans eat at their antique dining tables.  Sit in their vintage club chairs.  Light their Art Deco torchieres, glow in their lost-futuristic Mid Century lamps.

Their influences are everyone, their touch unmistakably magically.  As are their treasured souls.

God Bless Them, Every One.

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com
Copyright WDMS, 2012

Alaskan Sea Monster "Nesie" aka "Niece" Snared as Lost Sarah Palin "Kin With Fin"

By Danny Alias

While Michele Bachmann glanced back from her meteoric broomstick ride in the polls, an unhappy Sarah Palin seemed perplexed.  As she told all of us on her historic motor coach ride though American truckstops and Civil War reenactments... (which occur spontaneously, I am told)...  she had to call off her entire Northeast tour of America because she was going fishing. 

Emergency fishing, I presume.   With keen political sense and wits akimbo, she knew something was up.  Something smelled fishy... and that always meant Michele Bachmann... or a big shrimp sale at Costco.

What Palin didn't know was that Bachmann's people had their poles in the water long before Palin even gassed up for her faux trip.   Don't mess with that Gay Deprogramming Ministry-- They can snuff out a Sea Monster... take the wind out of Sarah's sales... and still have time to grab a quick drink before the next Patti Lupone concert

Sarah puffed herself up and shouted: "Hey, Todd!  Get that Patridge Family bus outta the driveway-- The Country... and Borders Books... needs me!"

"When's Crystal coming down from her celebrity high?" barks back Todd. "This house-husband b.s. bites..."

He scratches himself and all the Bachmann people whimper a delightfully lustful sigh. 

You know what the Bachmann people are thinking, right?  Too bad Todd's straight, because he would make such a fine specimen to be turned gay, then made  straight again.  It would be like the LOGO version of the Frankenstein experiment, except the end result is George Clooney instead of George Bush.  Just consider if you will:

1) It would prove Bachmann's off-the-Gaydar theories about homo-hetero-reassignment.  (Dunk teabag here!)

2) It could gain them the Republican nomination... and perhaps even the White House. (Dunk again!)

3) Or it could just be a great opportunity to see Todd with his shirt off, telling nasty heterosexual stories in Alaska-speak.  "Wanna see my trouser trout?"

The latest thing to come out of Alaska doesn't have a million dollar book deal, talking-head employment on FOX-TOXIC-TV... or even a Winnebago to call home.  Heck, it doesn't even have legs... just like Sarah's political ambitions.

No, Sarah Palin ran back home to Alaska to go fishing... and all she caught was her dress on Michele Bachmann's husband's sewing mannequin.  Yes, he sews.  That doesn't make him less of a man, just one helluva sticher.

It will, however, get him better seats at the Republican Convention... or the next re-animation of a Liza Minneli comeback show.

In life, you never know when you'll get your "Romney" caught in the zipper of your fly...

Let's see who appreciates a good seamstress then, missy...


AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com


Copyright WDMS 2012

Can Romney's Bain Capital Save Iconic Hostess Twinkies (& America) by Squeezing Out The Last of its Cream Filling?

By Danny Alias

Junk food giant Hostess Brands announced earlier this year that it is headed for bankruptcy… or at least reorganization in a very large corporate mixing bowl.  

How is it possible that the maker of some of America’s most iconic snacks cannot make a profit selling to the world’s fattest people? 

Sure “Twinkies Light” weren't exactly a hit, but you didn’t see the New Coke people running for cover when the carbonation hit the fan.  No, they rolled up their sleeves, blamed their advertising agency and rebranded Coca-Cola Classic like an unexcused burp.

“What New Coke?  That never happened.  Just like the Bush years.”  To quote one official: “We weren’t there that day!”

Enter Mitt “the split” Romney and the magic that is Bain Capital.  Finally, here it is:  An opportunity to turn words into action, water into wine, PAC into man… or at least baked goods into something half-baked.  Consider the mouth watering, money making opportunity at hand...

Romney/Bain takes over the struggling Hostess empire… an American institution so beloved it's Twinkies were once used as a successful murder defense.  Can Doritos make such a claim?  Maybe in Mexico, my Pinko friend, but not in the good old You S. of Eh...

What better way to prove to the voters that you are the real job creator— a true success story—than by acquiring Hostess Brands and showing us all what you do best.  Batter up, Mitt!

First, Romney/Bain could suck out the cream filling of every newly made Twinkie, just like the economy.  After all, the center is only taste and empty promises.  Right wing out of the oven he’s cutting costs, waste and most of what makes life worth living.

Second-- all those bakers? One word: Elves! Replace all those high earning Union bakers with elves. Give those Keebler Commies a run for their fudge pot.  Yes, non-union, low paid, loyal, slavish elves.  If it’s good enough for Santa Klaus, it’s good enough for Romney/Bain Capital.  In essence, they'd be doubling the work force by cutting everyone (literally) in half.  Finally these are numbers which FOX News and the "L" slanted media can agree upon.

Third:  Innovate.  As has been speculated, the shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie can be well over 20 years... much like the common Speaker of the House Cat   Many people are on their second wife and/or third family with the passing of this much time, but enough about Newt. We have bigger frogs to fry.  No wonder Hostess went belly up and trailer wide.

No, Romney/Bain Twinkies will be bakery fresh for no more than 24 hours… taking on the fare at Dunkin’ Donuts or Krispy Kreme.  This can be American competitions' finest hour, as that's how long lard digestion usually takes. The only thing that ever goes stale in this country is imagination.

Fourth:  Retool.  Think out of the box.  Unsold Twinkies (now as hard as concrete and manufactured at half the price) can be used in lieu of bricks for new home construction. In fact, many of the banks can use the old Twinkie wrappers as loan documentation, as the ingredients and fine print are almost identical.

Now imagine thousands of gated communities all built with the new Romney/Bain Twinkies.   Who knows where this future could lead?  Perhaps fiber optic cables made of Twizzlers!

At a recent Texas evangelical convention the attendees were unable to agree upon a single candidate to endorse…. in lieu of Mitt Romney, of course.  However, this all male bastion of public decency did agree on one saintly thing: Hostess Brands are the Devil’s Food.  Which leads us to...

Fifth: Rebrand. Words like “Cupcake” and “Twinkies” make these guys very nervous.  To them, Hostess is the Lolita of bakeries, putting unspeakably nasty “tween” thoughts into their very married heterosexual, but asexual heads. (See Michele Bachmann's hope chest.)

It’s that whole Brooke Shields/Pretty Baby wet dream nightmare all over again, isn't it?  Now do you see why Hollywood must be abolished and replaced with a biblical theme park?  And no, not Dolly Wood West.

But it gets worse, much worse.  “Ho Hos?”  “Sno Balls?”  “Ding Dongs?”  Must we even go there by definition?   If such things need to be explained to you, please write Dan Savage. (Just don’t Google Santorum!)

“Ho Hos” & “Sno Balls" & “Ding Dongs”... Oh, My!  All these are not only Hostess products, but sexual acts committed during the last Republican AND Democratic conventions. To this day, if you dial HOSTESS on your phone it takes you directly to an escort service that specializes in food fetishes.  Madam Cake Boss, I believe.

Sixth.  Why is there no Third Party in this country?  Because most of our elected officials have simultaneously run out of both perversions and unhealthy snack options.  No wonder we hate the French.

But can Mitt Romney turn America around... or as the odd saying goes... take it back?  For his sake, I hope he kept his receipt. Perhaps more importantly:  Can he turn on an oven… or just a SuperPAC?

This is one very old Twinkie who’d bet his bottom Ding Ding that he doesn’t have a Sno Ball’s chance in Suzy Q.  But enough with the Zingers.  Just vote!

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

Vaudeville Isn't Dead, Though Pepper 'n Sam Are... Sort Of

By Danny Alias

These days, after the passing of such luminaries as Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston, we can now appreciate death as a smart (& horizontal) career move.  Unintended, perhaps, but nothing sells more music than an early demise and proper estate planning.  

Just ask Elvis.  He left the building... and the world... some 35 years ago, yet his fame and wealth continue to grow.  In fact, 95% of Elvis is now owned by a single investment group.  And it's not Lisa Marie, her mother or any of the Presley family.

That heavenly sound you hear is that of a cash register laughing.

Which brings us to the clever coupling of Pepper Mills (Salty Brine) and Play-It-Again Sam (Justin Levine.)   Yes, Pepper 'n Sam are dead... or at least their alter egos are... and it appears there are plenty of egos to go 'round in that Big Vaudeville House in the sky.

"Semi-famous" before flaming out in long-ago theatre fire, Pepper 'n Sam are tragically stuck in today's vaudeville circuit along with their back-up band, The Dead Poets Society.  If you gotta have a gimmick, it might as well be a ghostly one.  As Pepper might intone:  Who you gonna call?  Bra Busters?"

Now why, you may ask, does this pair of ghouls fascinate us so?  Well for starters, nothing says vintage like the dead.  From their vintage costuming, House of White Pancake makeup and swinging/rock 'n roll lifestyle, these two kids scream retro from beyond the grave.

Not only is this one hard act to follow, but it's a double homicide to describe.  So where do we begin?

Firstly, Pepper & Sam are a brother and sister act... sort of.  Personally I find this really refreshing... in the same way the Carpenters were refreshing.   With no sexual dynamic between them (Thank, God), this becomes more a family act, though not in a "G" rated sense.  No, Pepper & Sam love and support each other without the baggage that say... Steve & Edie... or the Captain and Tennille had to lug around and/or pretend... even though the Captain was more Teller than Penn.

What remains is an unconditional support of the other sibling.  OK, Sam is an oversexed lothario who's had more pussy than an animal shelter in the Spring... but his vocal range and musical abilities compliment the fact that he clearly packs a large pianist.   Pepper may wave a disdainful finger at his love for the ladies, but she keeps a watchful eye on her troublesome little brother.  If nothing else, death has brought them closer together; in the end, they only have each other.  That... and the memories of a wildly theatrical music career.

And what can be said about Pepper Mills?  She too is not above using her sexual wiles to stop nothing less than World War I.   (Oh, yes... their clever cabaret act is a virtual world tour of historical events which, in one fashion or another, these two have had a finger... or some other appendage in.)  

However for as much a vamp as this is camp, Pepper is still very much a Lady (again, sort of.)   Her pre-atomic vocals play the musical field like the underground stylings of the Manhattan Project.  Together, these two are mega-tons of fun to watch, hear and fear.  I mean, they are ghosts afterall.  Something in this show will spook you... and it may very well be Pepper's big surprise!

Their latest tour is called: "Pepper 'n Sam: Whatever Possessed Them?" and it's an apt question.  Shades of Kiki (Justin Bond) & Herb may shadow this duo, but their career has an afterlife of it's own (unlike the now truly defunct K&H.)  Comparisons may abound:  K&H were old vaudevillians; Pepper 'n Sam go one step further into an early grave.  Some of their mutual material is a bit too close for comfort, but let's face it: When a ghost sees an opening, it goes for it.  Clearly there is a void with K&H gone; and again, what is death but one big "void" to avoid?

My best friend and I recently saw these "Apparitions from Prohibition" as they call themselves at a dead-cool space known as Ars Nova at 511 W. 54th in NYC.  (ArsNovaNYC.com.)  However, Pepper 'n Sam can be dug up around town and across the country at various alternative music clubs, if not a cemetery or three.  If there's a piano and a well stocked bar, look for them underneath both.

Also check out more of their videos on YouTube; follow them on Facebook for their next (dis)appearance.  I do feel that some of their BEST material was not represented online.  You just have to see them live... or as live as they get... which is pretty damn lively for doubly dead crooners.  They routinely bring down the house...if not the mausoleum. 

The grave bottom line?  Their greatest talent is morphing musical genres via melodies which cross the centuries-- Clever, funny, unexpected, perhaps unsettling, but that's just what good little Ghosties do best. 

I, for one, am a fan for life... and even after that. 

Here's to Pepper 'n Sam:  May you be dead forever-- Your greatest hits are still to come!


AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com
www.WhenDannyMetSally.com
Copyright WDMS 2012

Paul America: Warhol's Long Lost Superstar

By Danny Alias

In 1981, I met Paul America in Chicago.  I didn't know who he was at first.  He said his name was Paul and he was passing through town to visit a friend; said he lived on a commune in Indiana. Thirty years later, my memory may lag on the details, but not on the intensity of the meeting.

Paul America was someone you just didn't forget.  Strikingly handsome, he had a certain grace that was, to be honest, intoxicating.  I assumed he was a model or an actor, but clearly he was not the dumb blond type.  He had a country boy style infused with a big city wit that was disarming, yet totally charming.  You'd swear he could melt the ice cubes in your glass with just a long, thoughtful stare. 

He knew he was attractive, but was dismissive, almost embarrassed about the matter.  I recall complimenting him once and he just said: "Thank you!"  I knew not to do that again.

I recall chatting with him for hours about many things, but he held back most anything of a personal nature.  Finally, toward the end of a rather long evening, he said to me:  "Have you ever heard of Paul America?"

"Oh, yes," I said, not making the connection.  "He's one of those Warhol people, right?"

"Well," he said softly... "That used to be me."

In the mid 1960's Andy Warhol decided to create his own studio system, creating "Superstars" as they were called, like those of the Golden Age of Hollywood.  Today Edie Sedgwick is most often remembered as the icon on the decade, however she was not the first star in the galaxy to come.

No, the early stars launched at the Factory during Warhol's first forays into film were such performers as Viva, Ultra Violet, Ondine, Candy Darling, Brigid Berlin, Hollywood Lawn-- Some real women, some transexuals, some tranvestites.  Warhol reintroduced the "drag queen" to a mainstream audience unlike anyone else.

But the first male Superstar was unquestionably Paul America. 

Other male performers would later be rolled out (like Joe Dallesandro) but it was Paul America who was used to break Factory ground.  And as is often the case, he was not the trail blazer who gained the glory.

Legend has it that it was Paul's occupancy at the Hotel America which sparked his renaming (just like in the old studio system).  Originally born Paul Johnson, America would quickly become the first gay Superstar with such Warhol classics as "My Hustler" (1965) and in assorted sequels which, for the most part, never saw the light of day. 

He appeared in a silent art film called "Harold Stevenson" with Edie Sedgwick and others... all lounging about on a couch, but his use was always somehow diminished.  He appeared in the documenary short "Superartist" (1967).  However more and more of Paul America ended up on the cutting room floor. He was not the flashy drag queen (a novelty of the time); he was a pretty good actor in a bad situation.

Never intending to be a one hit wonder, Paul appeared in the now classic "Ciao! Manhattan" (1972).  Rumors persist that he and Edie Sedgwick were crazy in love and I believe it to be true.  Like many of today's young people, Paul didn't label himself straight or gay, though certainly his male fan base kept "My Hustler" running in art houses for many a year.  He was beautiful to both the eye and to the camera.  One can certainly see a young Edie being smitten by the attentions of this very masculine, yet fragile figure.  It is said he intervened at a number of her early overdoses--

With Hollywood having nothing to do with him and his Factory pedigree not opening any doors, Paul did a stint in the army and later pestered the ever-stingy Warhol for more work.  But it was not be.

His one hit "My Hustler" typecast him in a real life role that he did not accept.  Paul America was not a hustler, though he certainly could have been if he had wanted... and he did not turn to porn.  He was a promising young actor.  He could have been the next smoldering James Dean... the next tightly wound Sal Mineo. 

By our modern measure, Paul America was the precursor to Heath Ledger-- adored by men and women alike... then gone.  Just a few short months after I met him, Paul was struck by a car and killed while walking home from his dentist's office in Ormond Beach, Florida.  He was 38 years old.  At the time however, his death was scarcely noted by the press.  And the legacy of Paul America, cult icon, passed into oblivion.

Sadly for years few even knew he was dead.  (I myself had tried to search him out, to no avail.)  Like Elvis, there were Paul America sightings from time to time.  Rumors of another film; a TV show.  In fact, he'd been dead for years.  It was only with the advent of the internet and a continually updated Wiki page (which for years implied he was still alive) that it became clear Paul had left long ago.  But by then most people had forgotten about this lost star, perhaps the most talented of Warhol's Factory system.

Today Paul America is a footnote to Warhol's vast legacy-- rather a vintage victim to fame, to time and to fate.  For Paul, his beauty didn't fade... it was cut short by a cruel twist of circumstances, not unlike the demise of Warhol himself in 1987.

Paul had his flaws... the rampant drug use and arrests, but he actually fared well in a decade of overdoses and suicides, especially being birthed in the Factory stable.  He was actually one of the few to survive that experience. 

I remember once prompting him to write about those times, but he brushed off the thought.  "They only want Warhol..." he said.  He was right about that.

But today when I close my eyes and dream back to those lazy afternoons, I can still see that matinee idol face and feel his gentle spirit-- He seemed happiest when someone simply cared about him.

Sound familiar?



AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012

Win or Lose, The Top 10 Vintage Games That Hollywood Will Ruin

By Danny Alias

As Tim Burton gradually works his way through the obliteration of our collective childhoods, perhaps its best to stop and ponder what's left (if anything) to cherish.  Vintage Games-- Board, Playing Card or otherwise filled our innocent yesterdays with hours of silly, mindless fun.

Who amongst us didn't shout out the words "You sunk my BATTLESHIP?" $209 million has been sunk into a Summer movie of same name that is more blockhead than blockbuster.  The question echoes:  "Who sunk $209 million into this probing alien extravaganza... and are they still taking phone calls from Hasbro?"

In this dicey game of reinventing memory, nothing is sacred.  Classics such as MONOPOLY and CANDYLAND have already been optioned, as if WALL STREET (#1 & #2) or SEX IN THE CITY (#1 & #2) didn't already fulfill are need to be greedy and/or diabetically shocked.

So the question remains: Can Hollywood ruin much more from your chaste childhood?  You bet your sweet tooth decay they can.  And the Top 10 Nominees for the Summer of 2012 are:

1. OLD MAID: MILFS GONE WILD.  Originally a hit in Victorian America, Kathy Bates turns up the hairdryer (and a vibrator or three) in this re-imagination of a card game classic.  The decks (I said "decks") are stacked against her from the start, but Oscar winner Bates has a trick or two up her gruffy, puffy sleeves.  Premise:  Inheriting the family's condom business late in life turns out to be a second coming for a woman who rarely came in first, if at all.  Also starring Jack Black has her nefarious brother and all of the Baldwin Brothers, except the far-right religious one.  Foreign Release Title: "OLD, BUT MADE."

2. CLUE TOO. Though initially a badly steered Tim Curry vehicle in 1985, this prequel flashes forward 30 years where all the reality stars from LOGO are reunited in one giant clusterf*ck of egos. Premise: Though none of them have a CLUE where their careers went since 2006, each must achieve a personal breakthrough that is simultaneously fashionable, yet disgusting.  Dr. Phil ("How's that workin' for ya?") McGraw unconvincingly plays himself as a most irritating life coach for those that don't have a life... which includes the entire zero star studded castoffs. 

3. MYSTERY DATE.  Optioned as a Drew Peterson slasher pic might he be acquitted of killing all of his wives AND the jury that released him... this project remains in limbo-- mostly because the police are still looking for limbs.  Premise: Snooki and Kim Kardashian make their Broadway debuts, except its on film which makes their  hair hurt just thinking about it.  Speaking of hair: Donald Trumps does a walk-on all by itself-- Perhaps the greatest appearance by a non-hairpiece ever to be combed-over!  It single-folically wins a Life Time Achievement Award by AquaNet and Drag Queens Everywhere (DQE).

4. UNCLE WIGGILY.  Pitched as a cross between "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory" and "Boogie Nights," Johnny Depp cashes yet another $25 million paycheck and laughs all the way to the swank. Premise: Following the naughty adventures of Depp, now a highly sexed rabbit... he breeds indiscriminately with other players traveling between Uncle Wiggily's house of ill-repute and John Waters' Baltimore abode.  Says Women's Wear Daily: "Playing Dr. Possum has never before been defined in such explicit terms in this lubricant-supplied 3-D opus to barnyard hijinks."

5. CHUTES & LADDERS.  Nicholas Cage continues his downward spiral like a corkscrew noodle in this soon-to-be-career-ending cinematic orgy.  Retitled "Shoots, Then Laughs About It" this groiner is an all manly man action parody that is more homoerotic than an open casting call at John Travolta's hotel room.  Quite bluntly, it puts the massage back into misogyny. "Shoots" is purportedly as confusing, convoluted, self-indulgent and embarrassing as every Cage film since "Leaving Las Vegas"... which is probably the best review this dick flick will receive. Pauly Shore plays himself in a small cameo, pinned strategically to the cleavage of Sharon Stone.  Former President George W. Bush is brilliant as Stone's failing pilates instructor, Mister Accomplished.

6. OPERATION.  Chasity, Chaz, Charles, Chuck ("Ray Jay") Bono portrays a man so confident in his own skin that he fabricates that of another to create a really life-like penis.  Really!  Rounding out the cast is every actress who ever did a reading of "The Vagina Monologues" except Whoopi Goldberg because of her inability to keep a straight face while repeating the word "Kegel."  The good news?  The patient lives!  The bad?  Men are officially obsolete. 

7. TWISTER.  Not to be confused with any other weather related disaster film, this long overdue tribute to the late Chubby Checkers relaunches the career of Arsenio Hall in a fat suit.  Clay Aikens co-stars as Chubby's brother (just go with it) and does all the voice-over work.  Mr. Hall will win the Oscar for his heartbreaking performance and Clay will get a high heeled boot for the third time... which, of course, is the charm. 

8. THE GAME OF LIFE.  Disappointments abound in this Albert Brooks bio-pic of himself.  Depression, addiction, guilt, insomnia, gingivitis and bad lighting will hamper production.  Woody Allen will be called in to rework the script, fire Mr. Brooks, marry his wife and re-title the film "New Jersey Redoubt."   Mia Farrow co-stars as a knife wielding ex-wife, but only for the money.

9. RISK (and/or) SORRY.  Director Michael Moore turns away from the buffet and points his lens toward Wall Street once again in this riveting faux-documentary of the mortgage crisis.  Jamie Dimond of JP Morgan/Chase plays himself almost as convincingly as he's played everyone else.  Moore expounds for 90 minutes on what $3 billion dollars can buy, which is surprisingly little if you have a revolving account at Tiffany's, a fairly serious drug habit... or both.  Morgan Spurlock borrows the fat suit from Arsenio's "TWISTER" and stands-in for Michael Moore, saving him considerable time at Sundance's multiple concession stands.

10. SCRABBLE.  Believe it or not this flick was once pitched as "Words With Friends"-- as if anyone would play a game or see a movie with that title!  The original cast of the popular TV show "Friends" were assembled to play various characters, but conflict quickly ensued when all of the "A" list actors demanded to play vowels... and the "B" listers were relegated to playing consonants.  In the end only an "F" and a "U" were left to be played by David Schwimmer, strangely misspelling the word "catastrophe" in the snow with the help of co-star Mr. Bono.  Matt LeBlanc was aptly without comment.

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012.

Crop Circles Simultaneously Reveal DNA Strand & Winning Lotto Numbers

By Danny Alias

In a startling find that has confounded both the brilliant and the ignorant, an English Crop Circle has heads… and balls… turning.

While scientists debate the relevance of this recent corny conflagration, others less educated are flocking to their local 7-Elevens & Quickie Marts to play the numbers designated by the descending balls.

For the first time in the history of crop circle research a double prediction has been made on a most perplexing level.  Located in an obscure part of the English countryside called “Abbey Normal-on-the-Spanx”,  the circle simultaneously details the DNA sequencing of Rupert Murdoch’s left testicle AND next week’s winning lotto numbers.

“It’s an incredible discovery!” says British physicist Sir Lord Buckingham of Fulton-Charlie Sheen.  “I’ve seen DNA strands before.  I’ve also pulled down a few numbers off the National Lottery… but never before have I seen the two combined.  It’s either the foretelling of the coming Apocalypse… or a great opportunity to make a buck.  Personally I’m betting on the latter but preparing for neither.  After all, I’m a scientist, damn it!”

But American experts see it differently-- Mostly because they go to the eye doctor as often as they go to the dentist, a fact that decays British relations and their affixed teeth.

Professor G. Whizzer-Guilt of the University of Phoenix recently cited:  “I can categorically state that the newly discovered English Crop Circles are as authentic as my degree from the University of Phoenix.  In fact, not only is my online degree as legitimate, I can also download my diploma and print copies of it at home.  I doubt the English can beat this level of integrity… even while wearing large snow shoes and a tracking device in a corn field of hoax!”

To date, no one has come forward to deny that the DNA sequencing is anything other than Rupert Murdoch’s naughty (and tiny) bits.   Concurrently, multiple wives have come forward to identify the withered sequence, usually while wearing gloves or poking at it with a rolled up pre-nup.

Murdoch's first wife, Lady McMuffin McMurdoch (of the M.C. Hamburglousters-On-Toast) testified in an unrelated sperm/egg paternity suit that the strand was, in fact, the shriveled strand of her late husband.  (Editor’s Note:  Rupert Murdoch IS NOT dead yet, but in the interest of internet accuracy, this article… and his first wife… are planning ahead.)

Back across the murky pond the controversy continues.   As 43 of the 50 American states have a lottery,  it is debatable in which State these numbered balls will drop.  This confounds true believers and those living with aluminum siding or wheels under their living rooms.

Said a local yokel from a decidedly red state:  “Do I believe in aliens?  Yup!  And that’s why we need a wall keeping the Canadians out!”

That attitude appears to be growing.  A recent USA/CNN/DNA/NRA poll of lottery players echoes the sentiment.   While only 2% of those surveyed believed in extra-terrestrials, 15% believed in the existence of extra testicles… while a shocking 85% believed these crop circles to be predicting winning lotto numbers.

Even more disturbing is that this adds up to 102%... which defies the odds of logic and the use of a simple calculator.  Like the upcoming Presidental election, there is a 5% margin for air… mostly coming out of unregulated PACS.

But the questions remain:  Are beings from another planet messing with the very structure of human DNA?

Or did Murdoch’s media empire phone-hack into the cosmos and piss off an intelligence far great than M.I.6?  (British CIA, for those without internet)

Are aliens accurately predicting winning lotto numbers to bring down the world economy on a scale not seen since the George W. Bush years?   Or is this just good luck gone bad?

The answers to these and other questions can be found in my new book: ANSWERS TO THESE & OTHER QUESTIONS…  Published by Questionable Press.

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com

Copyright WDMS 2012





Reality Is To Television... What Fake Is To Vintage

By Danny Alias

Reality TV, an oxymoron if there ever was one, has discovered the antique/vintage world in its usual pushy, oversized way.

The Grand Daddy (or crusty Grandma) of them all is ANTIQUE ROADSHOW.  Other than a few bumps in the road with some questionable (and later indicted) experts, A.R. truly set the bar of quality vintage reality programming.   In its 20+ year history there were bound to be some less than accurate moments, but overall it is the gold standard to be beat.  And certainly Chubb Insurance has a way fatter because of it.

By all appearances PBS’s latest endeavor MARKET WARRIORS is a worthy spin-off.   Though more character driven the show still strives to present an accurate snapshot of the antique business… even given its game show component.   Much like the British hit BARGAIN HUNT, M.W. strikes a good balance between expert and shopper while still reflecting the bottom line interest:  Value.  It’s fascinating to see the range in prices between the various locales in which the show is shot… higher prices on the coasts, etc… the Midwest being a bargain hunter's dream.

In this vintage vein PAWN STARS also hits the mark.  Showcasing an established resale icon in Las Vegas, the show demonstrates that delicate balance between buyer and seller.   Though it sometimes feels that all the rarities of the planet somehow pass through their doors… (Spoiler alert: Next season, George Washington’s second set of false teeth)…  P.S. is a draw not only to sellers anxious to find a buyer (and get on TV), but to viewers as well.   Character-driven personalities range from antique expert/store co-owner Rick Harrison to Chumlee, a persona found at a John Waters’ casting call.   The show is an addiction as item/story after item/story move through the store/show with the predictability of the sun following the moon.  Only provenance and price bickering break the cycle, but those are often the best moments of the show.

Recently however Reality Television has gone on a junk food diet of vintage gluttony.  Hit or miss, truth or dare, real or fake, false or falsies… the latest offerings are too numerous to mention, but let’s review just for fun:

AMERICAN PICKERS.  This is love or hate on a Kim Kardashian level—and the A.P. stars didn’t even have to make a porno tape… just an audition tape… which has spun off into great success.  Personally I’ve seen enough barns of rusted signage to last me a tetanus shot or three, but perhaps America needs to get this out of their bloodstream.  My favorite part of the show is the all-too-often repeated scene of the picker-husbands blaming their overly tattooed wives for sending them on a bad house call. To me this stretches the credulity of reality.  Just once I’d like to see an antique sad iron make a happy swipe at their all too sincere whining.

HOARDERS.  Do viewers watch this tear jerker for its collectible angle?  Yes, for that and the dirty diapers of the toilet-deprived stars.  But the only thing better than a dozen teddy bears… are 500 teddy bears infested with lice, mice and a slice of reality.   We all know of people like this… perhaps not as spectacularly afflicted… but this show could routinely be cast from your Facebook friends alone.  Yes, it’s a disease and its all so sad and terrible… but we just happen to have a hoarding/collecting/social worker at hand… so we’re not exploiting them, right?   We’re here to help… and we’ve brought boxes!   Oh, did we mention the sister you hate is right outside this door with a shit-load of relative guilt to drop on you?  Surprise!!!   Now can we throw out those Beanie Babies?

STORAGE WARS, AUCTION HUNTERS, LOCKER BULLIES, etc.   Perhaps you’ve also heard through the vintage grapevine (which has produced an excellent Merlo I must confess)… that some of these shows are less than, um, how do we say this… accurate?  Honest?  Legit?  Let me put it this way:  Do you remember the movie “Quiz Show?”  I doubt there’ll ever be a Congressional investigation into shows such as this… who is being harmed here, right?   However I understand that the hardcore fans of some of these shows actually watch BECAUSE they’re fixed— that spotting the errors/goofs/mistakes are all part of the fun.   It’s like the old adage:  “Behind the fake tinsel is the real tinsel“  Except we’re talking storage lockers.  And they've been, um, fluffed…

* * *

Now where is this all headed?  I shudder to think… especially if resale shudders are involved.   However to save future cable concept creators all the effort in thinking up a new idea or two (or four), let me save them the migraine headache and propose:

CLOSET CASES. Well known figures from both Republican & Democratic party compete in a “real life” cat fight as their collections (see fetishes) are “outed” in a thorough closet cleaning.   Susie Orman hosts, shaming contestants on the wasteful spending in the resale value of latex, rubber, vinyl (not records, unless show tunes) and things that go bump with a nightstick.   The winner is chosen by the (in)sincerity of their spouses that stand beside them…  and by the faces that they make.

DON’T LOOK IN MY BASEMENT. As the title implies this show is not for the faint or heart, unless you’re Dick Cheney and you have all those spares.  Contestants are chosen randomly by ambushing video crews who seek out truly mediocre yard sales.  A rotating cast of ex-Project Runway contestants host… ridiculing the ever-descending taste levels of the basements at hand… or boot.  Gloves sold separately.

CATASTROPHES IN THE ATTIC. The spin-off of “Basement”… ATTIC picks up where the stairs leave off… upstairs, that is, which badly need to be vacuumed.   Surprising attic finds include: 1) An Armenian Juggling Troupe; 2) All the birds that ever appeared in Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film of same name; 3) A two-headed cousin that you only heard about in annual Christmas letters.  (“Donnie/Ronnie gets better every day… mostly.”)  The Worst Attic is awarded their own personal tornado, which tears off the top floor with striking precision.  As all reality shows are notoriously cheap, ATTIC is hosted by an adorable Cairn Terrier by the name of Toto.  And trust me, contestants don’t want to come in #2 with Toto around.

I’LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR FOR IT! Cameras follow the daily antics of (perhaps) America’s cheapest man… Ivan Notkidding.  Whether attending a trendy antique show, an upscale estate sale, a rural flea market or just barging into your home unannounced, Ivan’s standing offer for items of value is $1.00.  Watch him attempt to buy a valuable Stickley desk for $1.00… and then be escorted out by security.  See him try to score an original Eames Rocker (yes, for $1.00)… and watch the shocks fly when police arrive.  Surprisingly “I’ll Give You A Dollar For It” becomes as ubiquitous a phrase as “Whatcha talkin’ about, Willis”… and just as unfunny.  However on the rare occasion when a seller actually accepts Ivan’s $1.00 offer, he always pays in pennies.   Highlights of the show routinely include Ivan getting the crap beat out of him… often by cane wielding AARP members… because they’re old, bitter and tired of people like Ivan.

By Danny Alias.  Copyright 2012 WDMS

AliasDanny@Rocketmail.com

www.WhenDannyMetSally.com